It is understandable that the English language, by being the world’s most used language and also being mostly used by non native English speakers, could become insanely distort in general usage, due to its immense popularity. But more surprisingly, as the Plain English Compaign has shown years over years, the people who speak gobbledygook and make baffled comments include as much native English speakers as non natives. To bring awareness to the public on English quality and clarity, the Plain English Compaign came up with an excellent idea, they give awards to public figures, of mostly English speaking countries, including politiciens, journalists, artists, actors, CEO, etc. One of those award is the Foot in Mouth award, to honor those who make baffled and confusing comments in public.

So here we go with the award of 2007. The award goes to Steve McClaren, the lately-sacked coach of England soccer team failing to qualify his team for Euro 2008. He was quoted at Radio 5 Live with:
“He is inexperienced, but he’s experienced in terms of what he’s been through.”

The runner-up for this year is our dear leader the CEO of the American Empire, President George W. Bush, who is well known for making confusing or totally meaningless comments in public. So here’s his quote:
“All I can tell you is that when the governor calls, I answer his phone.”

For your entertainment, I’m going to quote the winners of other years as well, so to illustrate that even English native speakers speak broken English…

2006 -  Top model Naomi Campbell:
“I love England, especially the food. There’s nothing I like more than a lovely bowl of pasta.”

2005 – Rt Hon Rhodri Morgan AM, the First Minister for Wales:
“The only thing which isn’t up for grabs is no change and I think it’s fair to say, it’s all to play for, except for no change.”

2004 – Boris Johnson MP for his remark on the BBC news quiz programme, ‘Have I Got News For You’:
“I could not fail to disagree with you less.” (so, yes or no?)

2003 – Former Secretary of Defense² Donald Rumsfeld:
“… because as we know, there are known knowns; … We also know there are known unknowns; … But there are also unknown unknowns…”
(I just love it, maybe this is going to be Rumsfeld’s only legacy?)

2002 – Actor Richard Gere who said:
“I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and somebody said I was a snake, I’d think ‘No, actually I am a giraffe.’ ”

2001 – Artist Tracey Emin, who explained:
“When it comes to words I have a uniqueness that I find almost impossible in terms of art – and it’s my words that actually make my art quite unique.”

2000 – Hollywood start Alicia Silverstone:
“I think that [the film] ‘Clueless’ was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.”

Footnotes:

1. Since the province of Québec is not qualified as a country, the word nation fit in perfectly, and we have the Canadian constitution to prove that!
2. If you feel the need to ask me “which country’s secretary of defense”, I would say, he is undoubtly the “secretary of defense of the world”!

“Howdy, partner.” says the attendant, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

Tiger nods a quick “Hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the forecourt.

“What the hell are those?” asks the attendant.

“They’re tees.” replies Tiger.

“Huh? What on God’s earth do you use those for?” inquires the Texan.

“Well, they’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving.” says Tiger.

“Holy shee-attt,” says the Yank, “Buick thinks of everything!”

Dear Romano,
Your question implies its own answer. You think the problem is that Italian factory managers insist on having lunch at their mother’s. Have you considered that the Italian mother’s value on the world market has risen by more than the value of an Italian factory has fallen? If you can’t sell commodity industrial products, sell the culinary art of the Italian mother, refined over centuries of pampering spoiled sons.

Eight hundred years ago, China exported an inferior product to Italy, namely noodles, and Italy turned this into a high-end product, namely pasta. The Chinese might be making cheap knock-offs of your industrial products, but they spend their discretionary income on your improved version of their own invention. Shanghai has adopted osso buco alla Milanese as its regional dish. The market for gremolata in Shanghai alone probably exceeds the global turnover of industrial valves. Flash-freeze Italian Sunday dinners and air-freight them to China. Busloads of Chinese tourists will descend on the factory towns of northern Italy to eat a home-cooked Italian meal.

Of course, this is only an interim solution, for Chinese cooks will learn to prepare Italian food as well as the Italians, just as Chinese musicians will learn to play the Viennese classics as well as the Viennese. But you needn’t worry about a long-term solution. Not only are your family firms disappearing; with a birth rate of barely 1.2 children per female, your families are disappearing as well. But don’t worry. When you Italians become extinct, your culture will be in good hands.
Spengler

This article is taken from Asia Times Online, May 16 2006 edition.

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